"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new." ~ Socrates
Considering the events that recently happened in Uvalde, Texas, I held off from posting this. Why? Because it made me step back and think about how my issues are so irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. I can’t even begin to imagine the grief that those poor victims must be dealing with. That being said, I am human and continue to deal with my own inner world, an inner world which isn’t always friendly at times. So here we go!
Recently I needed some time away from instagram, which in reality wasn’t even instagrams fault, but my own inefficiency to see my own self worth. It’s something that always lurked in the background, but I always pushed it away and continued to do my thing. What is it that exactly set me off? I wouldn’t say it was just one thing, but a combination of many. I’ve been wanting to pull away from instagram for some time, but continued to post because I felt like I needed to. I needed to keep up, because without content, then what would it all be worth? Six years of writing a tale, but does anyone really care is the question I ask myself most? I pour my heart and soul into all of my creative works, and to be honest when my posts don’t receive the engagement I think that they should, it hurts me. Meanwhile some chick with half her tits hanging out only has to post a smile and a wink. And then I’m supposed to believe I need to make better or more up-lifting content? Sure! Or I have to sit here and scroll as #vanlife makes the world seem like everything is perfect. I’m just as guilty of painting the world in sunshines and rainbows at times, so the finger points at me as well. What you see, isn’t always reality, and to be honest at times, I felt like a fraud. Preaching, but not always doing! I’m a very sensitive and highly attuned being, who can easily feel both sides of life, the good and the bad and truly believe that both entities should be shared. But we live in a reality where the good outsells the bad, and quite frankly I allowed this platform to make me feel like shit for sharing what I share. So what do we do?
We step away from it and remember that we control it, and not the other way around. I’ve struggled recently with thoughts of feeling like a failure, especially with where I’m at and with my age. The constant hammering of “I should be doing this” or “I should be doing that” thunders down consistently. If what I feel is reflected back to me, then why I am still not in New Jersey, grinding away at job and in a state that was sucking my soul away? You all see the pretty pictures and descriptive captions, but what you don’t get to see is the amount of time putting it all together. The amount of time I spend freely giving my self away, while i dig myself deeper into a financial hole chasing some dream that I’m beginning to believe won’t ever come to fruition. Many creative pieces put to creation, yet all I perceive are blank stares and silent voices. For some insane reason I focus more on those, than the heartfelt conversations I share with the few who say, “your work is amazing.”
I think it’s human nature to want to be seen, heard and validated and why some receive more than others I’ll never understand. Yet deep down somewhere beneath my skin and bones I’m failing to see all the work I’ve done over the last several years, because I’m still seeking the external validation of others. I can write, I can speak, I can share all I want about how things have changed, how things are going to break, how things are finally going to trend upwards, but until I truly believe it, until I truly believe in myself and my capabilities, I'm gonna sit here and continue to bitch about why others seem to be there, and I’m still perceiving to be here.
The summer of 2022 is going to say a lot, as I throw myself into art shows and interaction with real live hoomans. As for instagram, I’m just going to take it day by day and see what comes up. I’ll post when I want to post, not because I think have to post! And to think there was a time I wanted to be an instagram “influencer” and have all the likes, followers and interaction. Now, I don’t! Social media will never make me, and it certainly won’t ever break me (although it came close.) My hope is that next year, or at the very least within the next couple, I'll be able to take a summer off and travel around selling my heartfelt creations, and I’ll do everything in my power to make it happen. I know success doesn’t happen overnight, but the older you get, the harder it becomes to trust the entire process. When you’re sitting there at 18 you have the entire world in front of you, and while at 42 I still do to an extent, it just doesn’t come as easy. I wouldn’t say I have regrets, but I wish I could’ve done some things differently. Would I trade my new life for my old life, no, but I will say that my old life was definitely a lot easier to an extent. Maybe that’s why so many get trapped into lives of comfortability. The comfort of the known, over the discomfort of the unknown. I’m hoping the discomfort of the unknown will come to an end soon, because if I’m being honest with myself and everyone else still reading this, I’m not so sure how much more of this “trusting in the process” I can take …
Want another deep read, click on my post entitled Good Things Happen In Goodbyes.
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