It's January the 13th, 2023, and for the past week or so my emotions have overtaken me. Like an avalanche cascading down the side of a mountain, grief, fear, and questions have come crashing down. It's a slide that swallows me up from time to time, but one in which I've learned to ride.
Many of us look out upon the open world of social media jealous of what other's seem to have. We compare, we yearn, we laugh, we cry, we ache for those things that seemingly come so unchallenging for most. This unconventional lifestyle that I've chosen hasn't been an easy one, and at times I feel the excruciating pangs of those choices. Choices I know I had to make, choices that have allowed me to grow in ways I would't have, had I remained where I was at. Choices that I would never give back, but behind the beautiful photographs and somewhat free spirited lifestyle, still lays a feeling human being.
I see my friends and my own family with their spouses, partners, children, and financial security and wonder what life would've been like had I went the conventional route. What if I lived my life like most? Graduated with that degree, married my first love, bought a house, had the children, painted the picket fence, worked hour upon hour to support it all! Truth be told there are certain aspects of that life I envy, and certain aspects of it I wouldn't want to be a part of. It leaves me pondering at times, am I a broken peg in societies wheel of life?
Let's face the facts, I'm a 43 year old guy who lives in his truck with his dog chasing down an art dream with-out any financial stability, digging a hole I feel like I'll never be able to climb out of. My mind consistently saying to me, "who is really going to want to be a part of your life?" I had a friend ask me recently (hi Bree), "is there part of you that doesn't believe you can have/ are worthy / whatever of your dream." In the moment they weren't the words that I wanted to hear, but it is something that I question ever so often. She spoke the truth and it was a stingy reminder. The thing is, I don't know how to jump that hurdle at this point. Numerous books, hours of therapy, sound healing, meditation, and more have led me right here to this moment. A moment that I'm ever so proud of to have reached. Many don't acknowledge or see the progress that I've made, but I do, and that's what keeps me pushing ahead. But how exactly do I let go of those last tendrils, while still living amongst the physical realms of reality?
A post had recently crossed my instagram feed (click HERE to read it) and right now maybe it's more about the exiting than the entering. By that I mean, maybe right now I'm finally learning how to exit those relationships and affairs that don't align with my well being. My attraction to unavailable people, my handling of money, my willingness to give people chance after chance after chance. I've been so used to entering those situations and hanging around them for some time, that now I'm finally learning how to exit them quickly.
That special relationship that I'm seeking and I know that I'm built to sustain with another, is slowly coming to fruition, but it has and will continue to have to start with myself first. And as those sometimes annoying spiritual folks out there would have you believe, it all starts within, am I right? It doesn't soften the fact though that some days I long for her touch, I yearn for her soft whispers and I desire that intimacy that only she can provide. And that my friends, is the avalanche of emotions that find me from time to time, leaving me to ponder and question just when!
I daydream often about a love so allusive. Click on my prose piece entitled: "Searching for Tinkerbell" to read more.
Dive deeper with my post entitled: "Sometimes You Just Need To Break Away"
The above photograph is available for purchase in a variety of sizes and products by clicking: HERE
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