Yes this is mainly a photography blog/website, and for the past year or so I've been focusing more on my photographic captures than my intimate writing. Why? The intimacy of my words resonate with a few, while the beauty of my photographs relate to the many. I haven't written deeply in a while, because life has been good. Deep words come in transitional times, and right now I once again find myself in somewhat of a transitional time. So no pretty photographs this time around, just a collection of heartfelt words. 

In early September I met someone, on Facebook dating of all things. I never really took the app seriously, it kind of just hummed along in the background. I matched with a girl who lived in Alaska, but would be spending her winter in Pocatello, Idaho which is a little over three hours from Big Sky. She didn't have kids, she didn't own a cat, and she spent her summers in Alaska as a self employed tour guide? A dream come true right Ry?

I've had this knack over the last several years of being attracted to unavailable women. In that I mean, women who live no where near me in proximity. It keeps me safe, it keeps me from the very thing I want most. Something deep, something close, something physical, and something intimate. I figured three hours away wouldn't be too bad (at least for the winter), so I followed up on the match, and a connection was made. She asked and answered questions I had been longing to hear from someone straight off the bat. She brought up the idea of meeting cross country somewhere along my travels as she made her way south from Alaska. We stayed in daily contact as the days passed us by, until we were finally able to meet in South Dakota, on my way back from New Jersey to Montana. We spent a majority of the day together, exploring an underground cave, and taking a hike afterwards. I was hoping to spend another evening with her, but inclement weather was forecasted. Having driven in treacherous conditons the year prior, I wanted to stay ahead of a potential winter storm and decided to head back to Big Sky. 

We followed up over the next few days and agreed we had both felt a connection. I invited her to join me in just a few weeks time for an art walk, followed by a day in the park the following day. Momentum was brewing, but then it stopped. Or at least I perceived it to! Her car broke down in Colorado en route to me, disabling her from being able to visit. I spent the night of the artwork alone, as I've been accustomed to doing over the last several years. I had flashbacks to one of my relationships where we both lived these separate lives, only to merge back together from time to time. I began to question things. I know, I know, don't judge the present based on the past, but we've all been through our own share of shit, and our past does have an influence over our present. The key though, is to use the past more as a guide, than as a finality. I wasn't disappointed that she couldn't make it, shit happens, but rather I just threw my hands up and said "OK, what now?" As the weekend passed me by, my mind began to spiral with thoughts. Is she really going to Idaho, do I really want to be in something long distance where I wouldn't be able to see her for more than likely four months out the year? I thought long and hard! Yes I did believe eventually she'd wind up in Idaho for the winter and settle down (I needed some patience, which will be covered later on), but the thought of being away from someone physically for long stretches at a time began to wear me down.

I pulled the plug late Tuesday night as we had a short chat about where my head was at. I'm sitting here on Wednesday sharing vulnerable pieces of myself, grieving the loss of a connection. I'm welcoming back in the sudden silence, while also questioning if I sabotaged something good. But if I sabotaged something good, then why I would be questioning my need for close proximity and physicality? I'm a feeler and a sensor and those two things just can't be translated through texting, calling, and face timing. Some people can do it, I'm now finally understanding that I can't. She brought up the term "instant gratification" during our talk, and it made me think yet again. Was I trading in something that could potentially be good down the road, or was I honoring my needs here in the now. The needs I've been and continue to learn about as I age. While maybe there was some truth to her statement, I've sacrificed my life over the last two years to pull myself out of a financial hole once and for all. I've sacrificed my financial wants, for my financial needs. But that's a whole other story for a different day, and I promise I'll share all of those details in the late Spring of 2025. 

So what now? Well my tendency is to reach back out and play this push and pull game, but I'm not going to do that. Patterns repeat themselves, till we consciously put an end to them! I need to let this one go. Maybe I should've expressed my fears and worries first, rather than just ending it. But again, looking down the road, I'm not so sure I'd be able to handle the physical separation for long stretches at a time. I knew that coming in, but I always have an open mind when I first meet someone. I could've lied for the entire winter, only to have ended it come springtime, so why delay the potential inevitable? Could there have been an end goal of living together, sure, but I have to always remember to stay focused on what is being presented in front of me now, rather than what could eventually be at a later moment in time. I may have just contradicted myself! 

While I'm sure I'll learn a few more lessons as the days pass me by, I have a few I can take away from this experience right now. Patience, and to not involve myself with ANYONE who isn't in close proximity to my surroundings. I've always hid behind a screen, but I need to make myself more available to people in the physical realm. I need to put myself out there and face the rejection if someone peeks my curiosity. Sometimes I can do it, and it always seems to be with people already taken (hello unavailability), but maybe it's the ones I'm scared of asking out, that are the ones who are actually available. Long distance relationships work for many, and from the small amount of reading that I've done on them, I applaud you for your time, your energy, and your effort. However for someone like me who knows what he needs and knows what he wants, I just can't see myself thriving within the context of one.

I'd love to hear your comments on this topic, and if you currently find yourself in a LDR, how have you been able to navigate it? Please leave them below in the comment box.

Ryan 11/13/24

For another deep read visit my blog post entitled: Good Things Happen in Goodbyes or An Avalanche of Feels

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